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Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.