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I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.