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I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.