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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.