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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.