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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....