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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!