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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.