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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.