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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.