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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you