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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Attention fuels immaturity
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.