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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.