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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??