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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.