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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!