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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.