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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.