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These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness