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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because .. I love fishing. -LOL
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...