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Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.