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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
My favorite beer is an open one.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
My memory foam has amnesia
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…