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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.