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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.