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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.