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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.