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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).