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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
The problem with diets is pizza.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.