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Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.