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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.