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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...