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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!