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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Hard butter is the devil.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.