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If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
You are here: X
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.