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Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
cuss words = sentence enhancers
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car