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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them