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I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Carfax but for people
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards