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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.