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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.