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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.