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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.