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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
bras are booby-traps
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.