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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.