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Which wine goes best with more wine?
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.