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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.