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I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
morning i hate girls evening i need girls