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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.