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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
It was all so different before everything changed.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.