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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Being normal is boring.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.