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There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"