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Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.