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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.