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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.