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Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."