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I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.