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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.