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"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Take me seriously at your own risk.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.