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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!