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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside