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Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.