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I miss the life I planned in my head.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone