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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.