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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
This post is just for you.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride